How To Survive Separation As A Mum: 7 Steps To Find Your Feet Again.

Going through a separation as a mum is not just about paperwork and logistics, it’s about surviving the ache in your chest while still being needed 24/7 by little humans who don’t stop asking for snacks.

When I left my marriage over a decade ago, I had two boys under six. I remember lying awake at night, terrified I’d ruined their childhood and unsure how I’d even pay the bills. People talk about the practical side of separation - the money, the co-parenting schedules, the after-school care - and yes, those things matter. But what made it all feel impossible at first was the heavy cloak I was wearing: sadness, fear, guilt.

And now, as a Transformational NLP coach working with newly separated women every week, I see the same thing. The external challenges are hard enough, but what makes them feel insurmountable is the state of mind and energy you’re in when you face them.

So, how do you survive separation as a mum when everything feels so heavy? Here are seven steps to start finding your feet again today.

Tess as a single mum 10yrs ago, attempting to put together her new bed.

1. Accept That Survival Looks Messy

Forget the Instagram highlight reel of “perfect” single mums who have it all together. Survival after separation looks like mismatched socks, cereal for dinner, and crying in the shower before school pick-up. This is new terrain, and ALL new terrain feels rocky at first - but it doesn’t forever, and that’s a really important distinction to make.

Struggling as a single mum doesn’t mean you’re failing - it means you’re learning something new. Growth is uncomfortable, learning new skills is awkward, change is frightening.

Accepting all of this is step one. When you drop the pressure to be “fine”, you can finally start healing and growing.

2. Prioritise Your Nervous System

When you’re in fight-or-flight mode (which separation can trigger daily), everything feels harder. Your brain can’t make clear decisions when it’s fried with stress hormones.

Quick tool: Each time you feel overwhelmed, rub your hands together for 10 seconds, then place them gently over your eyes. Take three deep breaths. This simple sensory reset tells your nervous system you’re safe.

3. Create Micro-Moments Just for You

You’ve spent years putting everyone else first, but if you keep running on empty you’ll have nothing left to give.

So start tiny: one chair in the house that’s your “me spot” (I used to use my shower for this after my boys were in bed - it was literally the only breather I got). Sit in that space for a minute a day with no phone, no noise, just you. Whatever needs to come to the surface, let it come to the surface.

And then, after you’ve let the hard, heavy emotions bubble up, choose again. Emotions are a skill that we can learn to master, so start being intentional about how you want to feel. Choose words that elicit that feeling in you, pieces of jewellery, songs, certain smells - get intentional about recreating the feelings you want to feel.

These micro-moments are an opportunity to anchor you back into yourself, and remind you that you are more than just the sadness.

4. Stop Feeding the Pain Loop

It’s tempting to re-read old texts, scroll his socials, or replay every argument in your head. But each time you do this, you pour more energy into the past.

Ask yourself instead: Is this moving me closer to the woman I want to become, or further away? If it’s the latter, stop. Redirect that energy into journaling, a walk, or writing down a vision for your future.

Get protective of your energy and where you spend it - just like you would your bank balance.

5. Redefine What “Strong” Looks Like

Strong isn’t pushing through in silence. Strong is asking for help. Strong is admitting when you’re not okay. Strong is resting instead of burning yourself out to prove something.

The women I coach often think strength means carrying the weight of the world. But in truth, it’s knowing which loads were never yours to carry, and which ones you’d like to share.

6. Shift the Beliefs Holding You Back

Here’s where the real transformation starts. Separation often leaves you with a running commentary in your head: I’m not good enough. I failed. I’ll never find happiness again.

These beliefs feel true - but they’re not. They’re just old programming. And until you shift them, you’ll stay stuck in the same loop, no matter how many self-help books you read.

Quick tool: Write down one limiting belief, then ask yourself: Whose voice is this really?
Then, I want you to write down an opposite belief. Something you hold true, even if it’s only a tiny spark at this point. Speak it out loud every morning, even if it feels strange at first. Over time, your subconscious begins to believe it.

7. Fast-Track Your Healing with NLP

If you take one thing from this article, let it be this: you don’t have to spend years in therapy to heal. When I came out of a marriage I spent way too many years trying to get to the other side of my struggles. I went to counsellors and psychologists, and when that didn’t work, I went to night clubs and distracted myself by doom scrolling on social media.

The reality is, you don’t have a mental illness and you don’t need a diagnosis. You need a way to quickly clear the heaviness that’s holding you back, so you can start to dream up a new vision for your future that’s aligned with who you really are. And the sadness, guilt, fear and self-limiting beliefs is not who you are - it’s just noise.

When I discovered NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) I became obsessed, because it was the tool that could deliver all the transformation that I had been seeking - but in record time! I quickly racked up my internationally recognised certification in NLP, and moved on just as fast to my studies as a Master of NLP.

Today, I help separated mothers release heavy emotions like anger, guilt, fear, and shame in under an hour (I am not even exaggerating!). We then file away old self-limiting beliefs and instal new empowering ones that fuel their future instead of dragging you back - and again, in record time!

I do this work because I know how long I sat in my own pain, and I don’t want other women to waste years there too.

In my 5-week program, I guide separated mums through exactly this: shedding the heaviness of their past, calming their nervous systems, learning how to shift their energy on cue, and building a future vision that excites them. It’s quick, powerful, and completely life-changing.

If you are serious about moving forward with your life, without needing years of therapy or a drastic life overhaul, then check out my program here.

Final Thoughts

Separation will shake you. It will test you. But it does not define you.

You’re not just surviving this chapter, you’re creating the launchpad for your next one.

So, follow the steps above. Breathe. Anchor back into you. And if you’re ready to fast-track your healing and reclaim the woman you thought you lost, it would be an honour and a privilege to guide you there.

Much love, Tess x