…And What You Can’t.

Co-parenting after separation can feel like stepping into completely uncharted waters. One day you’re a family, the next you’re navigating drop-offs, text messages, and weekends without your children. Add to that the heartbreak, the fear and the guilt, and it’s no wonder so many mothers feel like they’re drowning.

When I separated from my ex-husband I had two little boys under six. At the time, I thought the hardest part would be the practical things: money, after-school care, living arrangements. But what made all of that so much harder was the invisible weight I carried - sadness, fear, and the gnawing guilt that I had ruined my kids’ chance at a happy childhood.

That was 10 years ago and here’s what I’ve learned since, both through my own journey and in coaching other women through this chapter: the heaviness isn’t just in the logistics. We spend so much time thinking about the things we have to do, that we rarely make the time to get intentional about how we want to spend our focus and energy.

And here’s the hardest truth of all to wrap your head around (this one took me years to learn): you cannot control your ex anymore. He will live his life now and you will live yours. The more you try to control what is not yours to control, the worse you will feel.

So instead of fighting a losing battle, the real question is: what can you control?

1. You Can Control Your Time With the Kids

Whether you have 50/50 custody or weekends only, the time you do have with your children matters more than the time you don’t. Instead of fixating on what happens at Dad’s house, focus on what happens at yours.

Create rituals: Friday pizza night, Sunday morning pancakes, after-school park trips. These small rituals become anchors of security for kids.

Prioritise presence over perfection: You don’t need to be the “fun house” or the “perfect mum”. So many women I coach feel guttered about the holidays and take-away that happens at Dad’s place. Shift the focus back to you (this is not a competition). What do you bring to the table? What are your strengths. You just need to show up as you; attentive, calm, present.

The gift you can give your kids is not a flawless life, but a safe space where they feel loved and seen.

2. You Can Control How You Speak About Their Dad

I get it. Your ex may infuriate you. He may antagonise you. He may even be making choices that break your heart. But here’s something powerful to remember: your words become your children’s inner dialogue.

When you criticise their father (even if he deserves it) your kids don’t just hear “Dad’s bad”. They hear, half of me is bad.

Instead, focus on neutral or positive language. “That’s something you’ll need to ask Dad about” or “I know Dad loves you too”. If your ex has his own demons to slay (I know mine did), focus on bringing compassion and empathy to your children, rather than anger and sadness. It doesn’t mean excusing his behaviour. It means choosing not to let your bitterness spill onto their developing sense of self.

This is one of the hardest disciplines of co-parenting - but also one of the most healing.

3. You Can Control How You Help Your Kids Process Emotions

Separation doesn’t just impact you, it’s a tidal wave for your kids too. They may feel abandoned, confused, angry, or even responsible. And kids, like adults, often hide behind distraction or silence instead of processing those feelings.

Your role isn’t to fix it all - it’s to give them permission to feel.

Use open-ended questions: “What was the best part of your day? What was the hardest?”
Normalise emotions: “It’s okay to feel sad about this. I feel sad sometimes too.”
Model healthy coping: When they see you cry, then recover, they learn that feelings are safe and temporary.

Your children don’t need perfection. They need a role model who shows them how to navigate hard emotions with grace.

4. You Can Control Your Energy

This is where the deeper mindset work comes in. Separation often leaves women feeling like they’ve lost themselves. Their energy is consumed by replaying arguments, stalking social media, or waiting for apologies that never come.

The problem? That energy is precious. And you only get so much of it each day.

What if, instead of pouring it into things you can’t change, you poured it into things that lift you?

A morning walk.
Journalling.
Coffee with a friend who makes you laugh.
Starting a new hobby you’ve always wanted to try.

Energy is finite. Spend it intentionally.

5. You Can Control What You Believe About Yourself

At the root of most co-parenting struggles is identity. Who are you now without the title of “wife”? Who are you when your children are at their dad’s and the house is quiet?

This is where beliefs come in. Do you believe you are strong enough to rebuild? Worthy of love again? Capable of creating a life that feels good?

If not, that’s where the work needs to begin. Because the story you tell yourself - about who you are and what’s possible - will shape every choice you make from here.

The Gentle Shift: From Action to Alignment

Yes, co-parenting requires routines, calendars, and boundaries. But the deeper work isn’t always action-based. It’s alignment-based. It’s asking:

What do I want to feel?
What values do I want my life (and my kids’ lives) to reflect?
What energy do I want to bring into my home?

When you start here, everything else - the routines, the boundaries, the logistics - flows more easily.

If you’re ready to shed the heaviness of separation and start creating a future that feels aligned and exciting, my 5-week program might be the next step for you. Check out the program here, and let’s explore whether it’s the right fit for you.

Final Thoughts

Co-parenting after separation isn’t about controlling him, fixing the past, or shielding your kids from every storm. It’s about shifting your focus back to what you can control: your time, your words, your energy, your beliefs.

The rest? Let it go. It was never yours to carry.

Ten years ago I was a newly separated mother who felt broken and powerless. Today, I coach women every week who are navigating the same messy middle. And the transformation always begins the same way: not with fixing everything “out there”, but with reclaiming who you are in here.

Because when you rise lighter, clearer, and anchored in self-trust - your children will feel it. And that’s the greatest gift you can give them.

Much love, Tess x

Co-Parenting After Separation: What You Can Control…