Worried About the Kids After Divorce? Read This First.

If you’re newly separated and lying awake at 2am wondering, “What is this doing to the kids?” - you’re not alone.

You might be feeling raw, exhausted, guilty, overwhelmed. Maybe your kids are asking questions you can’t answer yet, or they’re silent and you're left filling in the gaps with worst-case scenarios. Maybe the co-parenting dream is already going up in smoke. And above all else, you’re terrified that they’ll carry the weight of this divorce for the rest of their lives.

I see you. Because I was you.

After my own separation I tried everything to keep things amicable. I did the polite texts. I swallowed comments. I tried to accomodate fair and equal time with the children. I twisted myself in knots trying to create an environment that worked for my boys, all in the hope that we could ‘do this well’ for them. But no matter how many olive branches I extended, I was met with silence, blame, anger, or worse, neglect. Eventually I realised that you can’t co-parent with someone who doesn’t want to co-parent (or in my case, someone who had a lot of their own demons they were yet to face).

And still, here I am a decade on and my kids are okay. More than okay. They’re emotionally aware, resilient, expressive, and kind. Not because I did everything right, but because I learned how to make me okay. And that changed everything.

Tess as a single mum with her boys, at her parent’s farm in the Northern Rivers.

If Mum’s Okay, the Kids Will Be Too

Your children take their emotional cues from you. That doesn’t mean you need to fake being fine, it means you need a way to genuinely find calm, clarity, and support for yourself. Not through them. Not for them. But because they need your steadiness far more than they need perfection.

It’s tempting in the early days to talk to them like little adults. To vent your heartache when they ask, “Why did Daddy move out?” or when they crawl into your bed sensing something’s wrong. But they’re not your emotional support system. They never should be. That’s a boundary that protects both of you - even when it’s hard.

And if you’ve already crossed that line? Please, be kind to yourself. I did too.
When I left my ex-husband my eldest was only six. I didn’t have the emotional awareness, tools, or nervous system regulation that I have now. I was raw, scared, and surviving, and my son ended up holding space for me in ways no child should. For a long time I carried shame about that. I wished I could go back and take the weight off his tiny shoulders.

But such is life. We do the best we can with what we know at the time.

The result? He’s now a fiercely independent young man. He can navigate public transport better than I can. He’s emotionally intelligent, world-smart, and wildly capable. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I had done some things differently.

So this is my advice to you, from a wiser and clearer place: Let your children be children.
Let them cry. Let them ask questions. Let them crawl into your bed and feel safe, but don’t hand them your pain to carry. Find your own space to fall apart. Get support. Let yourself be held by someone who can truly hold you.

Because when you’re okay, they will be too.

When Co-Parenting Isn’t Co-Operative

Let’s talk about the not-so-Instagram version of post-divorce life.

Sometimes, no matter how calm or kind you are, your ex won’t meet you halfway. Maybe they’re dismissive. Maybe they’re controlling. Maybe they disappear or use the kids as pawns. You can’t change that.

But you can control your response.

Getting triggered is normal. I’ve had moments where I’ve wanted to scream down the phone, where I’ve paced the house wondering how he could not care the way I do. But what I learned is that the calmer I stayed, the safer my children felt. The less reactive I was, the more regulated they became. And the less power he had over my peace.

You won’t always get it right. I sure didn’t. But every time you choose not to fight in front of them, every time you respond instead of react, every time you release the story that “he’s ruining everything”, you build something unshakeable: their emotional safety.

Own your part. Heal what’s yours. Let them watch you become.

The Gift You Didn’t Ask For

It might sound strange to say this, but divorce can be an opportunity.

Not just for you, but for your kids.

Kids raised in emotionally aware households (even if there’s only one emotionally aware parent) grow up better equipped to name their feelings, hold healthy boundaries, and know when something doesn’t feel right.

You’re modelling resilience. You’re teaching them that life can fall apart and still be rebuilt. That love doesn’t always look like a fairytale, but it can still be healthy. That a woman can walk away from something that hurts, and still rise stronger.

That’s a powerful story to pass on.

The Tess of today, shows her kids what it means to be strong in who you are and what you want.

This Isn’t the End. It’s the Becoming.

I really want you to hear what I am about to say, because I mean this with every inch of my bring. You are not failing because you couldn’t keep your marriage together.

You are not failing because you’re tired or sad or unsure of what comes next.

You are navigating one of life’s biggest transitions, and you are doing it while keeping little people fed, clothed, and loved. That’s heroic.

You might feel like you’re stuck between two chapters: the life you had, and the one you’re yet to write. But that in-between space is where everything shifts. That’s where you come back to life.

You’re allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to feel rage, guilt, shame, relief, joy - all in the same week. You’re allowed to not have all the answers. But please don’t stay stuck.

The path forward starts with you. Not your ex. Not your kids. You.

Let them watch you become.

And You Don’t Have To Do It Alone.

I know what it’s like to suffer in silence - it’s the whole reason I became a coach. So that I could be the guiding light to the woman who feels trapped the way I did.

I have a stack of ways you can be supported on this journey, which include plenty of free resources for you, and also the option to go deeper if you’re wanting even more support.

If you haven’t already, be sure to grab your free copy of The Messy Middle Ground: A Starter Kit for the Woman Starting Again. It’s packed with simple shifts you can do today to help you move forward with more peace and less pressure.

If you’re wanting a little more support - still completely free - you can book a Fall-Apart session with me. This is 30 minutes, just me and you, where you get to let it all out and be heard, and then get some guidance on how to take a step in the right direction from there.

There are plenty of other avenues I can offer you, but those two will be a really good start.

You don’t have to do this alone.
You were never meant to.

Much love, Tess x