(and What to Do Next)

There’s a sentence I hear whispered in coaching sessions all the time.

Sometimes through tears.
Sometimes said flatly, almost numbly.
Sometimes followed by guilt, as if they shouldn’t even be thinking it.

“I don’t know who I am anymore.”

If you’ve felt this after separation or divorce, I want you to really hear this:

You’re not lost forever.
You’re not doing anything wrong.
And you’re definitely not alone.

This feeling is incredibly common - and it makes complete sense once you understand what’s actually happening beneath the surface.

Why Divorce So Often Triggers Identity Loss

For most women, a relationship isn’t just a relationship.

It’s a role, an identity, a structure, and often a survival strategy.

Over time, many women unconsciously shape themselves around:

Being a wife
Being the “peacekeeper”
Being the reliable one
Being the one who holds everything together
Being the mum who copes
Being the woman who doesn’t rock the boat

You don’t even notice it happening. It’s slow. Subtle. Normalised.
Until suddenly… the relationship ends.

And with it goes:

The role you played
The future you planned for
The version of yourself that made sense inside that relationship

So when women say, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” what they’re really saying is “The version of me I built to survive no longer fits… and I don’t know what comes next”.

Why This Pain Is So Often Unspoken

Here’s the tricky part.

Identity loss doesn’t always look dramatic.

It often shows up as:

Feeling flat, foggy, or emotionally numb
Second-guessing yourself constantly
Feeling lost even on “good” days
Not knowing what you want anymore
Feeling disconnected from joy
Going through the motions but not feeling alive

And because there’s no obvious label for this pain, women often minimise it.

They tell themselves:

“Others have it worse.”
“I should be grateful.”
“I just need to be stronger.”
“This will pass.”

So they keep going… quietly grieving the loss of themselves.

The Truth Most Women Don’t Hear

I want to say this really clearly, and I want you to listen…

You didn’t lose yourself because you failed.
You lost yourself because you adapted.

You adapted to survive emotionally.
You adapted to keep the peace.
You adapted to make the relationship work.
You adapted to meet everyone else’s needs.

That level of adaptation takes skill.
But it comes at a cost.

And divorce doesn’t create identity loss - it reveals it.

Why “Just Give It Time” Isn’t Enough

Time helps with shock.
Time softens the sharp edges of grief.

But time alone doesn’t rebuild identity.

That’s why years can pass and women still say:
“I should be further along by now.”
“I don’t understand why I still feel lost.”
“I thought I’d feel like myself again by now.”

Because becoming you again isn’t passive. It’s intentional.

And it doesn’t require years of therapy - but it does require the right kind of inner work.

What Actually Helps You Find Yourself Again

Rediscovering who you are after divorce isn’t about reinventing yourself overnight. It’s about reconnecting with parts of you that went quiet - and waking them up again isn’t as hard as you might think.

Here’s four ways you can start that process:

1. Understanding Your Emotional Landscape

Many women are carrying sadness, anger, guilt, or fear without realising how much energy it’s taking.

When emotions stay unprocessed, they cloud identity.

You can’t hear who you are when your nervous system is still in survival mode.

2. Separating Who You Are From Who You Had to Be

This is huge.

You were one version of yourself inside that relationship.
That doesn’t mean it’s the full truth of who you are.

Learning to release old roles - without blaming yourself - creates space for something new.

3. Rebuilding Self-Trust

After separation, many women don’t trust their decisions anymore.

They ask:

“Can I trust myself?”
“What if I get it wrong again?”

Identity comes back when self-trust is restored - gently, step by step.

4. Creating a Vision That Is Yours

Not your ex’s.
Not society’s.
Not your family’s expectations.

A vision that feels grounding, hopeful, and aligned now - not five years from now.

Why This Work Doesn’t Have to Take Years

Here’s what I’ve seen again and again in my work with newly separated mothers…

When women are given:

The right emotional tools
Clear frameworks
A safe space to explore who they are becoming
Guidance that meets them where they are and creates the reframes and shifts that make all the difference

Shifts happen much faster than they expect.

Not because the pain disappears overnight - but because they stop feeling lost inside it.

Within weeks, women often say things like:

“I feel lighter.”
“I’m clearer.”
“I am hopeful and excited about my future.”
“I have fallen in love with myself.”

That’s not magic. That’s alignment.

You’re Not Starting From Scratch - You’re Coming Home

If you’re sitting there thinking “I don’t know who I am anymore…”

Please know that you are not empty, you are not behind, and you are not failing at healing.

You are standing at a threshold.

The woman you were is no longer required, and the woman you’re becoming doesn’t need to be rushed.

She just needs space.
Support.
And the right guidance.

And she’s closer than you think.

A Gentle Next Step

If this blog feels like it’s speaking directly to you, it’s not an accident.

I created my 5-week experience specifically for women in this exact season - the in-between.
The “I don’t know who I am anymore” stage.

Not to fix you.
Not to rush you.
But to help you reconnect with yourself - emotionally, mentally, and energetically - without spending years stuck in the fog.

If you’re curious check out the program here, and if you’re ready to take a step towards exploring it for yourself, click here to book a 15 minute call with me and we can see if it’s a good fit.

No pressure.
Just a doorway, if and when you’re ready to step through.

You’re not lost.
You’re just finding your way home.

Much love, Tess x

“I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore”: Why This Feeling Is So Common After Divorce