Your Child's Anger Isn't the Problem. It's the Messenger.
For mum’s Navigating divorce & co-parenting.
Over the last decade, I have held space for some incredibly big feelings in my boys.
When I walked away from their Dad, they were just three and six years old. Like every separated mum, all I wanted was for them to have a healthy, loving relationship with both of their parents. But addiction has a way of making even the best intentions feel unpredictable.
Plans changed, weekends were cancelled, promises weren't always kept, and there were incidents that little boys should never have had to navigate. Even when everything did go to plan, there was often an undercurrent of anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional overwhelm that followed.
There were tears, raised voices, frustration, and more often than not I was the one standing in front of those big emotions.
I was their safe place, but I was struggling too.
This pain was recently echoed to me by one of the women inside my Inner Circle. She shared a story about her own children struggling with the transition between homes. Moments where their anger and tears became her own.
And then she asked a question I know so many separated parents quietly ask themselves: "There has to be a better way”.
That’s what this blog is. A lifeline for the mothers who are navigating their children’s big feelings, whilst also trying to find the way through their own.
Your child’s Anger Isn’t The Problem
The first thing I want you to know is that your child's anger probably isn't the problem. It's the messenger.
Anger is one of the easiest emotions for both adults and children to express because it feels powerful. It protects us. It gives us a sense of control when we feel out of control, and it also pushes people away before they have the chance to hurt us. It’s like protective armour.
But anger is rarely the whole story.
What's Really Going On Beneath the Surface?
Underneath anger there is often sadness, fear, hurt and, for many children navigating separation, guilt.
Children are extraordinary at making themselves the centre of the story. It's how they make sense of the world. They don't yet have the life experience to understand addiction, relationship breakdown, financial stress or adult decisions, so they naturally ask themselves questions like, Did I do something? Is this my fault? If I'd been better, would they have stayed together?
Many children never say those words out loud, or even know how to articulate these feelings, but they carry them anyway.
Your Child's Nervous System Is Trying to Make Sense of Two Worlds
Then there's another layer that often goes unseen, when they leave one parent knowing the other parent is now alone.
They see your tears, even when you think you've hidden them. They notice the sigh you let out after they leave. They feel the tension at handover. Their little nervous systems are constantly trying to make sense of two worlds, two homes, two routines, two very different emotional environments, all whilst protecting the two people they love most in this world - you and their father.
That is a lot for a child to hold.
So when they walk back through your front door and immediately yell, slam a door or tell you they hate you, it's worth asking yourself a different question.
Not, "How do I stop this behaviour?", but rather, "What might be underneath this behaviour?"
The Most Powerful Thing You Can Do? Name the Feeling.
One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is helping them put words around what's happening inside them.
Most of us weren't taught how to do this ourselves. We were told to stop crying, toughen up, move on or calm down. We learnt to suppress emotions rather than understand them.
But emotions aren't problems to solve, they're information.
When we give children an opportunity to checkin on how they feel, without any expectations or any agenda, it’s like that permission alone takes a huge weight off their shoulders. They don’t need to try ‘be’ anything.
You might say "It must feel strange going from one house to another - different rules and people. Does it make you feel sad?"
When we help a child name what they're feeling, we're not putting ideas into their head. We're giving them a language for something that's already happening inside them. What matters more though, is not what you ask, but the energy you bring to the conversation. It’s about creating a space where you don’t make them feel small or wrong for feeling something, but normalise it.
You don't need to get it right every time. The magic isn't in guessing the exact emotion or the perfect time to have the conversation. It's in letting your child know that whenever they’re ready to talk about what they feel, and whatever it is that they are feeling, it’s all okay. It’s letting them know that you are a safe place to land if they need to.
Don't Hide Your Feelings. Show Them How to Move Through Them.
The same is true for us. One of the healthiest things we can do for our children is to stop pretending we're fine.
Kids can smell bullshit from a mile away. If you’re not fine, they likely already know that.
What matters more than you being this fake pillar of peace, is that you have awareness over how you’re feeling and that you’re doing whatever you need to do to move through that - counsellor, friends, gym sessions, more self love, my coaching program (had to sneak that in there, hehe), a good cry or a crazy dance around the loungeroom.
Let them see you struggle AND get up again.
I'm not suggesting we make our children responsible for our emotions, because that's a very different thing. But I do believe we can model what emotional health looks like.
"I noticed I felt really sad after drop-off today."
"My body feels a little overwhelmed, so I'm going to take a few deep breaths."
"I'm feeling frustrated, but I know this feeling will pass."
Our children don't need perfect parents. They need parents who show them that emotions can be felt without becoming who we are.
Emotions Aren’t Forever
When we are in an emotion, it can feel like it will never end. But here’s a metaphor I often use with the women I coach, and it’s that emotions are like clouds. They come, they move, they change shape, and they pass.
They are not the sky. You are the sky. The emotions are temporary.
Something else that's important to understand is that children moving between homes are often navigating a dysregulated nervous system.
They're not simply changing houses. They're changing routines, expectations, smells, sounds, beds, rules, relationships and emotional energy. Their body is working incredibly hard to adapt, and when a nervous system becomes overwhelmed, big reactions often follow.
The beautiful thing is that naming an emotion begins to bring the nervous system back towards safety. It creates an edge around something that previously felt overwhelming and impossible to understand.
What we resist persists, but what we acknowledge begins to soften.
You're Not Failing. You're Holding More Than You Realise.
If you're reading this while sitting in the middle of another difficult transition, please know that you’re not failing at this mum-gig. This chapter is incredibly hard.
And by the same token, there is nothing wrong with your child. What you're both navigating is incredibly heavy, and incredibly hard.
But perhaps the goal isn't to stop the big feelings altogether. Perhaps the goal is to become the safe place where those feelings can land, be understood, and eventually be moved through.
And sometimes, that intention alone, is enough to change everything.
Much love, Tess x